Building Suspense: The Ying and the Yang

Ah, the beautiful mystery of love. The qualities that first attract us are the very ones that later drive us crazy. Why doesn’t he listen? Why does she talk so much?

Because we are different – as varied as breakfast and dinner, separate planets. And aren’t those differences delicious? Think of your favorite romance – his muscle-bound arms sweep up her delicate frame and our hearts go pitter-patter as we swoon. 

If you like a little suspense with your romance, picture a young couple racing through the jungle with a maniacal killer on their trail. Faking an injury, she stumbles and falls, luring the villain in with her weakness while the hero disables him with superior strength.

Even a strong, law-enforcement type heroine needs the balance -- the difference -- that a hero brings to the plot. For example, in the ABC dramedy Castle, Rick, the male lead, is hardly your typical hero, but his vivid imagination provides the perfect foil to Kate Beckett's no nonsense logic. She keeps them safe and together they solve crimes.

 You may think your life is mundane, but it’s actually full of suspense. Decisions are made on a daily basis and almost none of them are easy. It certainly helps to have someone to share the responsibility and consequences.

Lunch with the girls is fine, but for the unknown future, the ups, downs, twists and turns of life, we want, no we need, the ying to our yang – our opposite, our complement, our everyday hero.

Opposites Attract; Complements Enhance

So after you take that personality test, you might want to take a long hard look at the personality traits you don’t possess – the type that is so not you – your polar opposite. Chances are that’s the personality of your hero because as we all know opposites attract.

You may think, ‘that’s crazy!’ No, that’s God’s plan – it’s not so much that opposites attract as that they complement one another. Isn’t that what we want in a hero -- someone who completes us?

As I’m developing a romance couple, I look at personality charts and endow them with characteristics guaranteed to create fireworks. For instance, a warm, carefree social worker would utterly frustrate a hard-nosed, regimented businessman.

But once they resolve their difference, they can actually complement one another. His practicality can relieve her fears and insecurities freeing her to pursue her interests while her compassion can temper his insensitivity allowing him to be a better leader.

Another example is the color wheel. Hues located on opposite sides of the wheel complement one another which is why we like orange and blue, well, if you’re a Florida Gator fan. The contrast makes each color appear brighter together than alone. When decorating a room we use a complementary color for accents that create energy and vibrancy.

Now we can use analogous colors, those that are next to one another on the color wheel, for a more calm and relaxing atmosphere. Cool shades of blue and green may be fine for a guest room, lulling visitors to sleep.

There’s something to be said for comfort and familiarity in a relationship. And that comes, even with opposites – a balance develops, a routine where we fill in the gaps in each other’s lives.

Do the differences in your relationship bring harmony or ignite fireworks?

To Thine Own Self Be True

So from the last blog you might have thought I was suggesting that you change for your man. No. I’m suggesting that you change for yourself. To become a better person – the person you were designed to be.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made – complex creatures with a unique mix of character traits. But like a photograph each trait has a negative. Tenacity can become bull-headed stubbornness. Self-confidence can become pride. Compassion can become enabling.

You’ve probably taken a personality test and found that you’re an animal, color or letter. But you’re seldom all owl or all green. Most people are a mix of at least two personality types.

I find these tests difficult because I’m thinking, well, in my personal life I’m this, but in my professional life I’m that… but still with every test I come out with a similar version of the same personality.

So according to Tim LaHaye I’m a ChlorPhleg, or using the DISC method I’m an SC. I’ve never taken the Myers-Briggs Animal Personality test, and I’m not sure I want to take a chance on being a Hippo or a Gorilla.

The point is, our personalities don’t change. And guess what? We won’t be able to change the personality of our hero – so we’d better know what it is and if we can live with it. 

But with knowledge we have the power to guard against negative traits while enhancing positive ones. The goal of change is to be true to our best self.

I love feedback – have you taken a personality test and do you think it was accurate?

Being His Heroine

If we want to find our hero in life we need to start practicing how to be the heroine of his. 

When I’m developing characters in a novel the heroine almost always carries some part of me or perhaps a truer statement is the me I want to be. The great thing about writing is I can make her do and say things I’m not bold or courageous enough to. The bad thing about writing is I have to find her flaws and create for her a journey of change. Sometimes those flaws hit a little close to home.

Although it may be painful, take some time to reflect on criticism you’ve received in the past. Discount the contradictory, cruel statements that come from only one person (and by the way, if you’re getting contradictory, cruel statements from a potential hero, here’s a clue—he’s not.)

In other words, if you often get comments like: that’s a good idea. You’re a problem solver. I never would have thought to do it that way. Then one person says: you’re stupid, that’ll never work, where do you get these dumb ideas – that’s a contradictory cruel statement.

But what are similar comments that you have heard time and time again? They may be hurtful. You may become defensive and declare them untrue, but as you take them as a whole, are you sensing a theme?

I’ll tell you mine:

“Hard hearted Hannah.”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“Ouch, you don’t pull punches.”

I see myself as plainspoken, but others see the truth. Obviously, I need to work on my compassion quotient.

Change begins within. If we want to change those around us, we generally need to start with ourselves. It’s certainly easy to spot the faults in others, but introspection is a little more difficult.

But it’s worth the effort. After all, once we find our hero, doesn’t he deserve one in return?

I'm No Expert

I’m no expert. I’m not a psychologist, counselor or therapist. But I do have common sense, life experience and friends. And, well, you know, women love to talk. We especially like to talk about men. What’s wrong with them, what we’d change, and what we wish we had known before we made a lifetime commitment.

Then we read a romance novel. The hero is gorgeous, exciting and oh, so perfect! He never leaves a pile of dirty clothes on the floor and his whispered endearments are music to our ears. And if we’re reading romantic suspense, the macho factor goes through the roof.

Here’s the thing: Romance novels are written by women. So of course, we make the heroes conform to ideals. Fortunately, we live in the real world. I say fortunately, because face it, the heroines in romances are pretty perfect, too.  Quite frankly, I can’t live up to that pressure on a daily basis.

In the real world our heroes are accountants, mechanics and utility workers. And if they’re faithful providers, engaged fathers and spiritual leaders shouldn’t that be enough? Does it really matter that they don’t fold the towels the same way we do? Isn’t it enough that they fold them?

So on this blog I’m going to share some of my thoughts about finding our hero, whether we’re looking across the kitchen table, searching for some heroic quality in our partner of twenty years or still waiting for him to arrive on the scene. I’d love your feedback, so what makes your hero appealing?

Praying for Second Place

Handsome, dependable, provider, protector, humorous, fun-loving, romantic, spontaneous…

These are characteristics on most of our “hero search criteria” lists. Some of us may add ‘attends church’ or ‘spiritual’ as an afterthought. Okay, maybe you’re a good Christian girl and you listed it first. But did you add, ‘puts me second’? Yeah, me neither.

I found this meme on A Modern Day Ruth and it made me stop and think. Am I willing to be in second place? Could I actually pray for that position?

In many Christian romances I’ve read the heroine is the strong spiritual lead and the hero, big, strong strapping man that he is, may only be a nominal Christian or not one at all. I’ve always been uncomfortable with that premise. I mean, there’s a reason God tells us not to be unequally yoked.

Of course, in these Christian romances the guy always comes around—he may not have an obvious encounter with God, but he at least attends church with the heroine making everything hunky dory for that HEA.

I think this is a dangerous example for readers, especially young women starting out in life, but even seasoned women of a certain age can be deceived when our heart is racing and our toes are tingling.

Hey, he’s got hormones, too—lit for the chase. And with that razor focus on his goal he’ll make grand romantic gestures, like hiring a limo to whisk you away to the opera, followed by dinner at Ruth Chris. There will be bouquets of roses, hearts filled with chocolates, and, if it seems important to you, dates at church. Will any of these acts continue after the wedding? Certainly not every Friday night.

And that’s okay—grand romantic gestures are for special occasions.

But, our faith is for everyday. It’s the foundation of our life, our world view, the filter through which we sift decisions. Yet to him, church attendance was an opportunity to spend time with you, woo you. It’s no big deal.

So, when he wants to take spontaneous trips every weekend and you’re committed to teach a Sunday School class, you have a hard choice. Husband? God?

In My Sister’s Keeper, Nate, the control freak, resists submitting his emotions to God. Landon, in Exposed, struggles with PTSD and his ego, but ultimately, both these men seek God’s guidance in their everyday battles and in winning the heart of the heroine.

These are the type of heroes we want—strong men of faith who submit their lives to God so that we can confidently follow their leadership.

So mark spontaneity off the list. Whoa, not so fast—before that godly husband of yours makes the hotel reservations, he’ll arrange for your friend to cover your class.

Now that’s romance! 

Missing the Ocean for the Signs

Mama was a little agitated the other day so we went for a drive. She doesn’t get out much these days, choosing to stay in bed most of the time, so while her energy was up, I thought a trip to the beach would be nice.

Even though it was cloudy with spots of rain, the weather was warm enough to crack the windows and enjoy the breeze. It was a little crowded with families still on Christmas break, but I finally found a parking place with a view of the waves rolling onto shore.

“Mama, look at the colors of the water. There’s gray and then the sun’s shining through the clouds right there where it’s green. Then it’s gray again.” This should have interested my mother, the artist.

“Only four-wheel drive vehicles beyond this point.” She proudly read off the sign beside us.

“We’re not going any farther. Look, there’s the ocean. See the waves?”

She continued reading the signs, like this one: 

Do we do this? God reveals to us the beauty He’s created and we turn away to read man-made signs. Don’t get me wrong—signs are good. They warn us of danger and show us the way to our destination, but if signs are all we seek, then we’ve missed the point.

Mama persisted in reading to me and I really don’t think she even realized where we were. Eventually it started raining and we moseyed on home.

We don’t have her excuse, we can refocus our lives and our attention. Let’s not get so caught up in the signs that we miss the ocean.