Opposites Attract; Complements Enhance

So after you take that personality test, you might want to take a long hard look at the personality traits you don’t possess – the type that is so not you – your polar opposite. Chances are that’s the personality of your hero because as we all know opposites attract.

You may think, ‘that’s crazy!’ No, that’s God’s plan – it’s not so much that opposites attract as that they complement one another. Isn’t that what we want in a hero -- someone who completes us?

As I’m developing a romance couple, I look at personality charts and endow them with characteristics guaranteed to create fireworks. For instance, a warm, carefree social worker would utterly frustrate a hard-nosed, regimented businessman.

But once they resolve their difference, they can actually complement one another. His practicality can relieve her fears and insecurities freeing her to pursue her interests while her compassion can temper his insensitivity allowing him to be a better leader.

Another example is the color wheel. Hues located on opposite sides of the wheel complement one another which is why we like orange and blue, well, if you’re a Florida Gator fan. The contrast makes each color appear brighter together than alone. When decorating a room we use a complementary color for accents that create energy and vibrancy.

Now we can use analogous colors, those that are next to one another on the color wheel, for a more calm and relaxing atmosphere. Cool shades of blue and green may be fine for a guest room, lulling visitors to sleep.

There’s something to be said for comfort and familiarity in a relationship. And that comes, even with opposites – a balance develops, a routine where we fill in the gaps in each other’s lives.

Do the differences in your relationship bring harmony or ignite fireworks?

To Thine Own Self Be True

So from the last blog you might have thought I was suggesting that you change for your man. No. I’m suggesting that you change for yourself. To become a better person – the person you were designed to be.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made – complex creatures with a unique mix of character traits. But like a photograph each trait has a negative. Tenacity can become bull-headed stubbornness. Self-confidence can become pride. Compassion can become enabling.

You’ve probably taken a personality test and found that you’re an animal, color or letter. But you’re seldom all owl or all green. Most people are a mix of at least two personality types.

I find these tests difficult because I’m thinking, well, in my personal life I’m this, but in my professional life I’m that… but still with every test I come out with a similar version of the same personality.

So according to Tim LaHaye I’m a ChlorPhleg, or using the DISC method I’m an SC. I’ve never taken the Myers-Briggs Animal Personality test, and I’m not sure I want to take a chance on being a Hippo or a Gorilla.

The point is, our personalities don’t change. And guess what? We won’t be able to change the personality of our hero – so we’d better know what it is and if we can live with it. 

But with knowledge we have the power to guard against negative traits while enhancing positive ones. The goal of change is to be true to our best self.

I love feedback – have you taken a personality test and do you think it was accurate?

Being His Heroine

If we want to find our hero in life we need to start practicing how to be the heroine of his. 

When I’m developing characters in a novel the heroine almost always carries some part of me or perhaps a truer statement is the me I want to be. The great thing about writing is I can make her do and say things I’m not bold or courageous enough to. The bad thing about writing is I have to find her flaws and create for her a journey of change. Sometimes those flaws hit a little close to home.

Although it may be painful, take some time to reflect on criticism you’ve received in the past. Discount the contradictory, cruel statements that come from only one person (and by the way, if you’re getting contradictory, cruel statements from a potential hero, here’s a clue—he’s not.)

In other words, if you often get comments like: that’s a good idea. You’re a problem solver. I never would have thought to do it that way. Then one person says: you’re stupid, that’ll never work, where do you get these dumb ideas – that’s a contradictory cruel statement.

But what are similar comments that you have heard time and time again? They may be hurtful. You may become defensive and declare them untrue, but as you take them as a whole, are you sensing a theme?

I’ll tell you mine:

“Hard hearted Hannah.”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“Ouch, you don’t pull punches.”

I see myself as plainspoken, but others see the truth. Obviously, I need to work on my compassion quotient.

Change begins within. If we want to change those around us, we generally need to start with ourselves. It’s certainly easy to spot the faults in others, but introspection is a little more difficult.

But it’s worth the effort. After all, once we find our hero, doesn’t he deserve one in return?

I'm No Expert

I’m no expert. I’m not a psychologist, counselor or therapist. But I do have common sense, life experience and friends. And, well, you know, women love to talk. We especially like to talk about men. What’s wrong with them, what we’d change, and what we wish we had known before we made a lifetime commitment.

Then we read a romance novel. The hero is gorgeous, exciting and oh, so perfect! He never leaves a pile of dirty clothes on the floor and his whispered endearments are music to our ears. And if we’re reading romantic suspense, the macho factor goes through the roof.

Here’s the thing: Romance novels are written by women. So of course, we make the heroes conform to ideals. Fortunately, we live in the real world. I say fortunately, because face it, the heroines in romances are pretty perfect, too.  Quite frankly, I can’t live up to that pressure on a daily basis.

In the real world our heroes are accountants, mechanics and utility workers. And if they’re faithful providers, engaged fathers and spiritual leaders shouldn’t that be enough? Does it really matter that they don’t fold the towels the same way we do? Isn’t it enough that they fold them?

So on this blog I’m going to share some of my thoughts about finding our hero, whether we’re looking across the kitchen table, searching for some heroic quality in our partner of twenty years or still waiting for him to arrive on the scene. I’d love your feedback, so what makes your hero appealing?

Christian Mingle - Movie Review

Maybe you’ve seen that commercial and thought “Aww, Christians falling in love.” Being a natural cynic and suspense writer, I automatically go to “Great way to meet an axe murderer.” I mean, these guys know you’re a Christian and if they have any religious background they can probably fake the churchy talk pretty good – at least long enough to suck you in. When the façade starts to slip, it’s too late – you’re in love.

Dead, but in love. That’s how I would have written the movie.

Corbin Bernsen, writer, director and producer of the film, also saw the potential for deceit. Apparently not as suspicious as me, he imagined the comedic possibilities of that deception.

According to his interview with Beliefnet, “I was wanting to explore the notion of how we each have our own path to God and to Christ.” (Read more:) Don’t freak out, from the content of the movie it’s clear he means the way God uses people and circumstances to draw us to Himself.  

Lacey Chabert does a wonderful job as Gwyneth (not Gwennie) Hayden, the faux Christian who thinks reading "Christianity for Dummies" (yes, that's a real book) will help her play the part long enough to land Mr. Right. She also memorizes a list of famous verses – perhaps hiding God’s word in her heart or at least her head, better than most of us.

There are many different types of Christians represented, from the sappy sweet to the judgmental and perhaps the most common, the stealth Christian. Despite this, Gwyneth delves into Scripture, finds a church that meets her style and eventually realizes that she has to make a heart commitment, not just a head decision.  

All in all, this rom-com was good, clean fun. Look for the movie on UP TV February 22 at 5:00 p.m. ET or purchase the DVD through Home Theater Films